The saga of 'Fart Turd Sports,' part 2
"We aim the gun at our dickholes!"
By the start of 2020, “Fart Turd Sports” was the highest-rated sports talk show in America. With hosts Dick Senormous, Titty and Jimmy, the show targeted “real people.”
However, the show’s growth proved difficult for the trio of hosts. To alleviate pressure, the show brought in a seasoned producer, Ryan MacClane, who wanted to give the show a glossier/more professional finish.
MacClane couldn’t help the show, so he tried his best to destroy it. What follows is the an account of that fateful day in 2020 when MacClane willingly produced one of radio’s most tragic events.
Titty (a.k.a. Lenlee) says February 3, 2020 will go down as “the most tragic day in sports radio history.”
The show started with co-host Jimmy (a.k.a. Jimmy Jons) flying through weekend scores, accenting each result with a signature soundboard honk. Main host Dick Senormous cut to break, then newly-hired producer Ryan MacClane rushed into the booth.
MacClane’s eyes were bulging red, with a manic, sleepless energy. Something was off, but this rush excited the trio.
“This guy looked like absolute shit,” Senormous says, describing MacClane’s look. “He hadn’t shaved. Probably lost 10 pounds since he got there. But he was going to make us do his style of show that day.”
MacClane’s plan? Get the hosts to play a game of Russian roulette on the air.
At first, Titty, Jimmy and Senormous laughed. Silence invaded the laughs as they saw MacClane’s unflinching, serious face.
“Call it intuition,” MacClane says. “But I knew one—or all of them—would have a gun on location at the station.”
Sure enough, on that fateful morning, Jimmy had his gun in his desk drawer. The co-host immediately pulled out the revolver. They all knew the audience would be shocked to hear a real, live game of Russian roulette across the airwaves, but Senormous had to kick it up a notch.
“I went along with it, because, at this point, I still thought it was a joke. I added one condition to make it bigger, to maybe call MacClane’s bluff,” Senormous explains. “Jimmy and I would aim the gun at our dickholes.”
It wasn’t quite what MacClane had in mind, but it would do.
“What did I care where they aimed it?” MacClane asks rhetorically. “Someone was gonna get shot on air, and this show would be dead. Maybe I’d get reassigned to an actual sports radio show.”
Senormous says he agreed to the stunt, but only because he didn’t think “MacClane would actually put a bullet in the damn gun.”
Back from break, Senormous started the infamous gag gone wrong. What follows is a transcription of the February 3, 2020 episode of “Fart Turd Sports,” starting at 2:10 p.m.
[THEME MUSIC FADES]
SENORMOUS: We’re back, dickheads!
[AWOOGA NOISE]
SENORMOUS: Jimmy. Does that noise mean what I think it means?
JIMMY: I don’t know, Dick. Is Titty naked?
[FOGHORN NOISE]
TITTY: Like, what are you even talking about? And where did that boat come from?
SENORMOUS: That ain’t no boat in Jimmy’s pants.
[CLOWN HONK NOISE]
JIMMY: Nope! It’s my trusty gun!
SENORMOUS: How long ya been having that one?
JIMMY: Since I was 10. It’s a beauty!
SENORMOUS: Sure is. Speaking of beauties, our new producer had a pretty batty idea.
TITTY: I know, Dick, when he said it, I was like, “Huh?”
[BOING NOISE]
SENORMOUS: Yep, but I think our fans, the dickheads, will like it! Tell ‘em all about it Jimmy.
JIMMY: We’re gonna play Russian roulette.
SENORMOUS: But there’s a catch.
JIMMY: Instead of aiming the gun at our heads…we’re gonna aim it…at our dicks.
[CAVALRY NOISE]
SENORMOUS: All right, you go first big man, or should I say…little man.
[Click noise from gun]
SENORMOUS: Oh god! You’re still alive! My turn!
[Click noise from gun]
JIMMY: Wow, it’s like we’re invincible! Maybe if I tried the real game, I’d win at that—
[GUNSHOT]
TITTY: OH GOD, IS HE REALLY BLEEDING?
SENORMOUS: CUT TO BREAK, TITTY. GET HIM A TOWEL. DO SOMETHING, TITTY!
[THEME MUSIC FADES IN, WEIRD LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND]
The show had 45 minutes left, but the radio waves were dead silent. By 3 p.m., the dial was chock full of reports of the incident. Callers blew up phone lines, asking local and national reporters questions like, “What happened?,” “Who shot first?,” and “Is Jimmy’s dick OK?”
However it went down, media pundit/analyst Ray “T.O.” Shack confirmed “Fart Turd Sports” had bested the show’s last audience record, more than doubling its ratings from an 8.9 to a 20.3. By the following morning, Senormous announced to the press that “Fart Turd Sports” would be on indefinite hiatus.
“You could say the show ended on a high note,” MacClane says, laughing at the death of one of sports radio’s most popular shows.
In the midst of the grisly scene, Senormous says he was panicked, only thinking about how to get the blood stains out of his favorite hat. The host went on a lengthy retreat to his hunting camp to calm down and focus.
“Those days after that were dark, lemme tell you,” Senormous says. “I drank. I drove out to the woods. I drank while driving out to the woods. All that time, I would ask myself, ‘Where did it go wrong?’ Then I remembered after Jimmy shot himself, I caught that producer outside the booth, laughing.
“It was then, some three months later, that I figured it out: that producer was in on it. From day fucking one.”
To be continued…