As July rolls into August which will then roll into the fall season, or more broadly—Q4, you’ll hear talk of “redefining company values.” These are tough waters to navigate, but what follows are some high-level thoughts that may add to the overall workplace experience.
Q4 2026 COMPANY VALUES
Fuck the system.
Snap into a Slim Jim.
You’re safe (for today).
Tomorrow? I don’t know, dude. Maybe stop asking so many goddamned questions and act busy, ok?
There’s energy, then there’s Celsius.
Trust the process—the A.I. process.
Don’t get it right the first time.
ADDENDUM: Use A.I. then come back to me with those results. I’m not going to read them, but I will give you kudos for using your daily token allotment.
ADDITIONAL ADDENDUM: Praise be to Sam Altman, even if he is broke.
Money isn’t real.
NOTE: This value is intended solely for the CEO. Money is still very real and very much a problem for you. Good luck!
When in doubt, try to sound like The Architect from The Matrix Reloaded, but dumber.
Outputs, inputs, and kick-ass lunch carts
It’s called “vocational awe,” Gary. And please, stop bringing snacks from work home to your family. I didn’t tell you to have five kids.
Go Global
Moving further, thinking bigger: Will this get me to Mars?
If you aren’t getting reacts in the company Slack channel, how do you think you’ll do on “Kill Tony”?
Fuckin’ awful, that’s how you’ll do.
We don’t have offices, but when we do, you will return to them.
Speak freely.
During your 20 minute lunch.
You can’t spell success without “suc.”
Imagine all the people...banging and whatnot.
Get yr freak on.
But not you, Sharon. Nobody wants to see you in that goddamned leopard print outfit during an 8 a.m. sync. It ain’t that type of party, it’s a goddamned company Zoom.
Zyn 4 life.
When we manage change, we change the way we manage, analyzing the analysis to reach data points that point to new, uncharted data.
Our high-ladder company demographic is a lot like a pickleball court: old and white.